Great Scott! It’s just been announced that the Back to the Future franchise is due to be adapted into a musical in the West End. I will definitely be there, bright orange gillet on and hoverboard in hand, cheering on such catchy numbers as ‘The Flux Capacitor Requires Adequate Refuse in Order to Function as a Dimension Hopping Light Speed Device’, and of course everyone’s show-stopping heart string pulling favourite, ‘Biff’s Lament’.
With all this excitement brewing over a certain Delorean-driving duo , we got to thinking about what other blockbuster franchises would make fantastic musicals. Coming soon to a Cruise Ship Theatre near you….
Jurassic Park: The Musical
Imagine it now. Ballet dancers in full raptor costume dive across the stage, the T.Rex is a fantastic baritone singer who is just plain misunderstood, and there’s a toe-tapping number about genetics.
It can only be the epic musical odyssey of one man’s quest to find love, hope and resurrect Pterodactyls. There’s so much potential here, I don’t think Hollywood truly understands. Jazz numbers about stealing Dino DNA, a T.Rex tap dancing over the fence, and to top it all off, ‘Clever Girl’, one Australian hunter’s tribute to being eaten by dinosaurs while wearing a stupid hat. Also Samuel L. Jackson doing computers.
Spielberg, mate, ring me.
James Bond: The Musical
The outfits are already suave, the settings are already exotic and there’s gadgets and stuff. Again, I don’t understand Hollywood. Do they not want to make any money?
I don’t think many of the original Bond actors would be up for it (Pierce Brosnan’s tonal dirge in Mamma Mia was like a hippo gargling bricks) and you might have to wrangle over the rights, but my word, this is an epic musical in the making. Guns, danger and implausible plots. It’s basically Les Mis.
You could set the whole thing in a Monte Carlo casino and have a Connery vs. Moore sing off. Then of course, you’d have the heart breaking dramatic climax when Connery has to admit that Moore was the ‘Comedy Bond’ and he never liked the eyebrow thing.
Star Wars: The Musical
The great overlords of Disney have finally acquired the rights to Lucas’ epic saga, and a new roster of brand new Star Wars are going to be x-winging their way over to us soon. Until then, we could at least have a Rock Opera about Luke’s unrequited love for his father.
Darth Vader’s breather could double as a harmonica, and before you know it, it’s duelling banjos rather than duelling lightsabers. Look out for Liam Neeson as Qui Gon Jinn’s jazz flute playing ghost, and Hayden Christensen standing in for a piece of the scenery.
Indiana Jones: The Musical
Whips! Fedoras! Globe Spanning Adventure! It’s the impossible story of one archaeologist defying the odds and becoming an action hero. The potential for great songs is absolutely endless – ‘It’s the Nazis…Again’ and the cheery ‘I Nearly Lost My Hat in That Trap But I Grabbed It At The Last Minute’ are already being written as we speak. By me. In my mind.
All jokes aside, this could storm Broadway in a manner which we have never ever seen. In 10 years, Harrison Ford could be tap-dancing using a Zimmer frame and it would still make money. Seriously, Steve, ring me, I’m an ideas man.
Of course, you would get to the fourth act and a random spaceship would emerge from backstage, confusing some, baffling many, and leading some fans to take off the leather jacket and fedora they wore especially, since they are too drenched with tears. I don’t blame you George.
Hugh Grant: The Musical
It’s the all-stuttering, all-foppish wondershow, featuring Britain’s poshest actor.
Here you’d get all of Hugh’s finest scenes collated into one mushy, romantic whole. Including… the bit when he embarrassed himself, the bit when he made a faux pas at a social situation, the bit where there’s a misunderstanding, and the bit when he realises there’s been a misunderstanding and does a last minute dash to the airport/wedding/predictable climax.
Featuring the huge hit ‘I’m Too Handsome to Pretend I’m Socially Inept’.